Why Do So Many Muslims Develop Romantic Feelings for Their Milk-Relatives?

The issue prevalent in many Muslim communities today is a significant lack of awareness and proper handling of milk-kinship ( rada'a), particularly concerning the recognition and treatment of milk-mahrams. Often, individuals are not introduced to their milk-relatives or informed about their milk-kinship until the sensitive and often emotionally charged context of marriage arises. This late discovery can create significant confusion, emotional distress, and complex legal questions. In many cases, individuals remain completely unaware that a particular person is their milk-mahram until their mothers, or other older family members, recall a shared breastfeeding instance from their infancy. This lack of early knowledge and integration of milk-kinship into family dynamics is a core problem.

Because people are not accustomed to treating milk-siblings as true siblings from the outset, developing the appropriate familial bonds of platonic love, respect, and care, it sadly happens that individuals develop romantic feelings for their milk-mahrams. This is a deeply distressing situation for all involved, as it creates a conflict between natural human emotions and deeply held religious beliefs. This issue is reflected in the numerous fatwas (religious legal opinions) available on various websites and in consultations with religious scholars, a large portion of which deal specifically with this complex issue, asking whether it is permissible to marry one's milk-mahram. The very frequency of these inquiries highlights the prevalence of this problem within Muslim communities.

In my considered opinion, and to prevent such emotionally challenging situations, parents should proactively remind their children of their milk-relationships and encourage them to treat their milk-mahrams as siblings (or as daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, etc., as appropriate within the established family structure) from the very beginning of their lives. This early introduction and consistent reinforcement of the milk-kinship bond are essential. If children are raised knowing their milk-siblings from a young age, interacting with them regularly and treating them as they would biological siblings, the likelihood of romantic attraction developing significantly decreases. This fosters a natural sense of familial connection and reinforces the mahram status, making the idea of romantic involvement unthinkable.

Furthermore, they should be encouraged to maintain contact and interaction even after reaching puberty. This continued interaction is crucial in solidifying the sibling-like bond and preventing any feelings of awkwardness or distance that might arise due to the onset of physical maturity. Maintaining regular contact reinforces the established family dynamic and prevents the development of any inappropriate feelings.

Moreover, they should be encouraged to greet each other like close biological relatives, expressing affection through culturally appropriate gestures. This might include kissing on the cheek or forehead, embracing, and other forms of physical contact that are customary within close family relationships. These physical expressions of affection further reinforce the familial bond and demonstrate the closeness expected within a mahram relationship. This should be done within the bounds of cultural appropriateness and in a manner that is comfortable for all involved.

In non-Arab Muslim countries, the understanding and application of milk-kinship (rada'a) is significantly impacted by local culture, often resulting in a narrower interpretation compared to its practice in Arab societies. While the practice of suckling kinship is intensely prevalent in Arab countries, where it is deeply ingrained in social customs and fully integrated into family life, its presence in South Asian and Central Asian countries exists in a more limited form. This limited understanding fails to encompass the broader implications of mahram status, which includes permissible interactions, social conduct, and familial rights and responsibilities.

In Arab cultures, milk-kinship is a living and active part of family dynamics. It is not merely a legal technicality discussed in scholarly texts but a tangible social reality that actively shapes interactions between individuals on a daily basis. The implications of milk-kinship, including the permissibility of physical contact, seclusion (khalwa), travel, and the relaxation of dress code requirements (hijab), are well understood and generally observed in daily life. This comprehensive understanding stems from a strong emphasis on oral tradition, familial education, and the continuous presence of these concepts in social discourse.

For instance, a woman raised in an Arab society who has a milk-brother understands from a young age that he is like a brother to her in every sense except for blood relation. She will interact with him with the same level of comfort and informality as she would with her biological brother. She would not observe hijab in his presence, they could be alone together, and they would exchange greetings and expressions of affection in a manner culturally appropriate for siblings

Conversely, in many South Asian and Central Asian communities, the focus on milk-kinship is primarily limited to its impact on marriage prohibitions. Unfortunately, in these regions, some local Islamic scholars and Muftis contribute to this problem by providing misguided advice that contradicts established Islamic principles. Instead of emphasizing the close familial bond created through milk-kinship, they often portray milk-mahrams as virtual strangers, fostering an atmosphere of distrust and unnecessary restrictions. For instance, it is not uncommon to find Muftis advising that a woman should not travel alone with her milk-mahram, despite the fact that travel with a mahram is explicitly permitted in Islamic law. Similarly, some scholars advise women to maintain full hijab (covering) in the presence of their milk-mahrams, contradicting the established scholarly consensus that the same rules of modesty apply as with any other mahram relative, such as a brother or father.